A Successful Recipe for Lasting Friendships.. Tips from an Expert

- One day in 2008, while Jamie Krems was in her early twenties, the young woman accidentally stumbled upon messages via "Gchat" that were exchanged between one of her close friends and her roommate. These messages were written on a computer that her roommate had borrowed from her.

It turned out that the conversation revolved around her, and the content of the messages was not positive at all. Krems recalls that moment saying, "I felt very sad," and she wanted to understand more about friendships since then.

That experience motivated her to pursue a career path focused on studying adult friendships, a field she describes as extremely neglected, both in terms of interest and funding, as it is overshadowed by a focus on romantic relationships, or conversely, on the dynamics that lead to stereotypes and discrimination. Krems pointed to an analysis conducted by researcher Dr. Julianne Holt-Lunstad, which found that a lack of social connections harms health in a way equivalent to smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day.

She also drew attention to the fact that we feel our skills in this area are declining, citing search trends on "Google"; the question "how to make friends" reached its highest level ever last spring, significantly surpassing questions centered around how to find a partner or fall in love. The spread of the "loneliness epidemic," a feeling experienced by more than half of adults in the United States, also led to an official warning from the U.S. Surgeon General in 2023.

However, research conducted by Krems and others has shown that there are practical steps we can take to address this issue. Krems, who currently serves as the director of the Friendship Research Center at the University of California in Los Angeles, stated that friendships "involve skills that can be learned."

A recipe for making friends explained that Krems, based on research conducted by Dr. Daniel Hruska and others from Arizona State University, stated that there are "two main components" to forming friendships, which are: "repeated interaction and mutual attraction." Being in the same place with the same people repeatedly, even if it's something as simple as being in the same café weekly and writing in your diary, is a suitable starting point.

Krems pointed out that this is the part we can easily control in the equation. One way to enhance your chances of success on both fronts is to identify what the researcher at Dartmouth University, Dr. Janice McKee, calls "friendship markets," which are simply "places where many people are open to making friends," as she stated to Afaaq News.

McKee, who teaches how people communicate with each other, said it is very helpful to think about aspects of your personal identity when searching for "friendship markets," including aspects you might not expect. She continued: "If there is a new identity you are looking to explore, seek out places where people regularly meet and have the opportunity to get to know each other," especially places that allow for dedicated interaction times, such as running clubs, where you can chat while jogging, or art sessions.

McKee noted that expatriate communities are a good example of "friendship markets," as people living in another country often hope to make friends with locals, but they may also find strong connections with others going through the same experience as "foreigners," even if their home countries differ. Asking for help research shows that asking for help or services from others can deepen relationships.

Krems said that asking for help has become less common nowadays, due to the availability of "many apps on our phones that perform tasks that friends used to do." However, asking someone for a favor actually tends to make them lean towards you more, if they respond to you and help you, according to Krems.

In this context, Dr. Allison Nagel, an assistant professor at the University of Virginia and director of the Connection Project, which aims to combat feelings of loneliness and social isolation among adolescents and young adults, believes that openness and showing your sensitive side during conversations have a similar effect in enhancing trust. Nagel explained to Afaq News: "A lot of research shows that self-disclosure generates similar disclosure from the other party."

As a guideline to distinguish between sharing personal details and casual conversation, Nagel advises asking yourself: Would you share this same information with a stranger you met on a bus? She said: "If the answer is no, it might mean that you are starting to reveal your sensitive side."

Don't wait for the perfect time. This advice relates to maintaining the friendship you have built, as Karimz advised against waiting for two perfect hours to call a friend and check on their well-being, explaining: "Just call them." In her talk at the TEDx event at the University of California (UCLA) in August, she said: "Those five minutes of honest communication are worth more than that call you keep postponing and planning to make without actually doing it."

You should seize communication opportunities whenever they arise, and the benefits of this communication will multiply. Karimz clarified: "It is related to a better ability to cope with stress and an improvement in immune system functions, which reduces your likelihood of getting sick."

She cited studies indicating that older adults with friends and social connections reduce their risk of developing dementia by a third and their risk of stroke by half. She affirmed: "If friendship were a medicine, it would be the most prescribed drug in history."