Did You Start Your Sexual Experiences Late? Here’s the Bright Side

Editor’s Note: Ian Kerner is a licensed therapist specializing in marriage and family issues, and a writer and contributor on relationships for Horizon News. His latest book is a guide for couples titled "So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex." - Who wants to date these days?

My patients tell me that dating apps have turned romantic relationships into a competitive marketplace characterized by quick and easy rejection. At the same time, social media suggests that others are living wonderful romantic lives.

What adds to the anxiety is that many, especially Generation Z, tell me that they feel delayed in having sexual experiences and feel that their sexual experience is very limited compared to what they believe is normal for their age. In my experience, these negative self-beliefs often turn into reality unless they are directly confronted.

Is experience really important to being a good sexual partner, and can a latecomer to sexual experiences make up for lost time and even excel as a sexual partner? These are questions I took to my colleagues across the country in search of some answers.

Does having a lot of sexual experience automatically make you a better lover than someone with little or no experience? My colleagues agree on the idea that quantity does not necessarily mean quality.

Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a researcher at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University Bloomington, explained: "Having a lot of sexual experience does not necessarily mean you are a better sexual partner, as good performance in bed is not related to the number of times you have sex, but more to how well you communicate and interact with your partner." Rachel Needle, a psychologist and co-director at the Modern Sex Therapy Institute in West Palm Beach, Florida, stated: "No one has experienced everything in the true sense of the word; every partner is different," emphasizing that "every new sexual relationship represents an opportunity to listen, adapt, and learn."

What is considered a relatively late age for experiencing first sexual encounters? Therapists do not have a simple answer. Lehmiller said: "On average, people in the United States have their first sexual experience around the age of 17 or 18, but this number has been gradually increasing in recent years, with more adults reaching adulthood without having sex."

In a recent survey conducted by Lehmiller and his colleagues at the Kinsey Institute, 22% of single adults aged 18 to 91 reported that they had not yet had a sexual experience with a partner. Lehmiller believes that what makes someone late in experiencing sexual encounters is not so much their actual age, but their self-perception of having delayed this stage."

Lily Heitzler, a sex therapist in New York, said: "I am not a supporter of the term 'late bloomers' when it comes to sexual experiences." For her, the term implies there is a 'right' time to have sex and ignores the many factors that "affect our ability to express our sexual desires." Meanwhile, sex therapist and psychotherapist Rebecca Sokol in New York stated: "The term 'late to sexual experiences' suggests that having sex early is better, while engaging in sexual experiences at early developmental stages can be unhealthy."

Why might someone postpone having sex for the first time? People may postpone having sex for various reasons; it may not be a priority for them, or they may have strong religious beliefs, or fears and anxieties about the subject.

Liemiller added: "We may be witnessing an increase in the number of people delaying sex because young people have fewer opportunities, as they often live with their parents for longer, which reduces their privacy and independence." However, he added: "Delaying sex does not necessarily mean a lack of desire; the surrounding circumstances may make it difficult to practice it."

Nicole McNichols, a professor of human sexuality at the University of Washington, explained that this is part of a broader generational shift. While the COVID-19 pandemic, social media, and other factors are often blamed for the decline in sexual activity among young people, McNichols noted that the data points to a simpler reason: a decrease in the number of young people in romantic relationships and a decline in alcohol consumption.

She explained: "The real question is: Is this necessarily a bad thing? Perhaps much of what was considered youthful sexual activity was actually linked to alcohol consumption in ways that were not always healthy or desirable, and perhaps it occurred without full consent."

Does a lack of experience mean a person is doomed to sexual failure? When it comes to a lack of sexual experience, the biggest obstacle is often self-doubt, rather than the absence of experience itself, according to McNichols.

In fact, people who have sex later in life often possess real strengths, including emotional maturity, a clearer understanding of their values, and a better awareness of what they truly want from a partner, according to Niddle. These qualities contribute to building a much more satisfying sexual relationship than jumping into sex early.

If you started having sex late, should you tell your potential partner? McNichols says, "You are not obligated to provide a full explanation of your sexual history.",

There is a difference between being open and feeling that you are compelled to disclose the number of your sexual relationships." But if the topic comes up naturally, or you want your partner to know, a brief statement like, "I don't have much sexual experience" is sufficient.

Many people with a long sexual history suffer from bad sexual experiences. What mistakes do they make that someone who delayed gaining experience might master?

Psychologist Leonor de Oliveira in Lisbon, Portugal, says that having a lot of experience in the bedroom does not necessarily mean you are a good lover, adding that "someone who has delayed gaining experience may be more attentive to specific sexual signals and more receptive to their partner's opinions." Sex therapist Julian Maxwald in New York agreed, explaining, "Someone may have many partners and still rely on the same routine, while a less experienced person may be curious, alert, and willing to learn."

What if you are the partner of someone who delayed sexual experiences in their life? Niddle said, "If you are dating someone who had their first sexual experiences later in life, try to resist the urge to consider yourself their teacher."

She continued: "Every relationship requires getting to know each other, regardless of how much experience either party has. Instead of focusing on what the person has not experienced, focus on creating an environment where they feel safe enough to ask questions, express their preferences, and be honest if they feel there is something embarrassing or unfamiliar to them.

You should also feel comfortable doing the same." And remember that it is natural for our sexual preferences and desires to change over time and with different partners, as we are constantly evolving.